Don't you ever wish you could go back to being a little kid during the summer with no cares in the world? Me too!

Excuse me, may I have your attention please?

So it's really fun when we had all these guests staying at our house and both dogs were all, "Oh freak no, they did not just adopt more people. The two selfish boys are bad enough." So as soon as we sat down they literally clamored onto the couch with us as if they really wanted to watch Juno that bad. And then Mac grabbed my boob.
So then the next day we found the cure-all for Mac's energy. Because two runs a day still won't wear him out enough to stop following me around the house with his ball and his stuffed Elmo in his mouth as his eyes plead with me. "Please? Throw it? Them? One of them? Now? How 'bout now? Now looks like a good time to play with me. Good, you're off the phone. Now pull the damn ball out of my mouth and throw it like a good girl. Elmo's fun to tug-o-war with. Try it. I dare you. What about now? I know you see me. Me and my toys. Toys in my mouth. Toys you should throw. Just put the baby down and thrrrrow. Okay fine. I'll Just keep ramming my nose into your crotch until you pay attention to me."

So now, after we throw the ball upstream and across the deep river about 75 times, Mac comes home and naps the rest of the day. It's like having your kids go sleepover at grandma's.

I so got my first kiss in this house...

My mom was at work in the E.R., dad was doing his best watching all five kids, older brother was probably off shaving SHS Red Devil pitchforks in his hair (like you've never done that before), and I was 13, in my room with a boy. He was gross - my church adviser's nephew. He was visiting from far away and said he wanted to borrow my Bon Jovi tape. I'm serious here. Like, for reals. He really wanted to Pour Some Sugar if you know what I mean. Innocent little me walks upstairs to my room to get said awesome tape for him and he had the balls to follow me, pin me in the corner and shove his disgusting tongue down my throat. All while my dad was making fried cheese downstairs! What a bummer of a first kiss and even more of a bummer is every time that delicious Jon Bon sings, I am reminded of Parker friggin' Estes. Ew.

When we were visiting Utah last week CJ wanted to see where I grew up. This is my cute house that I love so much. My parents sold this and built their dream home about eight years ago but sorry, even a pool and my own guest quarters don't rival my childhood house. I'm one of the lucky ones who just loved where and how I grew up, on the creek with tons and tons of great memories (french kissing not one of them, although there was the first makeout on the trampoline that wasn't too bad). I still have a piece of my bedroom wallpaper that I tore off and saved in my journal before they sold it. Awwww!

Heeeee Haaawwww

You guys, we've been gettin' to know these here parts a bit better and folks, you haven't lived until you've seen a senior citizen milking a cow, a pregnant teenager riding The Zipper and eaten cotton candy amongst the extras of the show Prison Break. For a mere 10 tickets at the local Dairy Days, His Royal Hotness and I exposed CJ and his cousins to some serious fun mixed in with a lot of second hand smoke. And fat people.


So how cute is my niece and how cute is the fact that there was a huge row of livestock just eating. Eating! And we got to watch! Seriously guys!

And then I caught His Royal Hotness checking out an arse that wasn't mine. Oh no she dih-ent.

So then CJ and cute niece wanted to ride one of the kiddie rides and lucky for us, they picked the one with the most kid-friendly operator. He's in the bottom-left corner. He had a scab on his arm that he kept picking with the same fingernails used to take tickets from the kids. I accidentally dropped their tickets so he had to pick them up, thus avoiding hand-to-hand contact and a case of hepatitis.

Two things about this picture: The guy at the top is operating the bumper cars and he's yelling "Scramble around kids, scramble around!" What? Second, the sexy tattoo is on an arm that belongs to a female. Her self portrait? You decide.

"Scramble around kids, scramble around!"

Okay, for reals, her tattoo says "Sexy Lady." I'm not kidding. Again, you be the judge. It's hard to see because the inmate doing the homemade tattoo got tired so the Ys on both words are kind of faded. And that object in the middle of the words "sexy" and "lady?" Too obscene to mention on this family/Cougar-friendly blog.

So like, I'm totally going to be original and wear knee-highs, Uggs, A&F mini and platinum-over-black hair. It's soooo hot. Like, oh-mah-gosh, who is the poser wearing the exact same thing next to me? Oh, she's in flip-flops but whatever. At least I'll beat her in strip poker!

And then... we found her! Lucy's long-lost mother. This black little vixen of a Dachshund explains the fact that Lucy was rescued from a west-side white-trash of a home and all this time her mom's been skankin' around carnivals. She's probably a meth user.

But the excitement carried on and into the next day when our neighbors gone and done and had two ponies show up for Jacob's birthday. Thanks guys! Can't wait for CJ to request live dolphins at his party!

So thanks Grammy for bringing the kids up to play and experience life in the big city. And thanks Urban Meyer for making such a fun play-on-words you BCS bowl game best conditioned soldier you!

The Best Afternoon

Many of you out there know my Grandma Sheila. She's like the bomb.com of grandmas. Seriously. She writes music, records CDs, does yoga, cooks the best fried chicken AND can send you into labor with one of her famous foot massages. So anyways, CJ got to spend the afternoon with great-grandma Sheila and he discovered a new obsession: Pottery.

He is now going to be a "Garbage Man Pottery" when he grows up. I like my boys to be well-rounded, ya know?
Then they got to sit and discuss Jesus, birds nests, recycle bins and naps while eating popsicles. Grandma's house is always insightful.

I distracted Toad with the duster since the blocks of clay and buckets of water were sooooo tempting for his fat little fingers.

A pencil holder, a bowl for mommy's jewelry and a plate a la CJ.

Seriously, if any of you out there in the U-to-the-tah County want to learn pottery and/or have your kids learn pottery (or be sent into labor), Grandma Sheila teaches classes. Trust me, you'll love it!

Dear His Royal Hotness,

So today is day four in Utah without you. CJ is terribly worried you are homesick for him and the only comfort I could offer is the fact that Lucy and Mac are with you and since Mac has a man-crush on you and Lucy is so anxiety-ridden, we're sure you're getting plenty of love and affection from the two hybrid dogs.



Right now CJ is outside with Nana playing with his new favorite toy: Papa's garbage picker-upper. You know, the dustpan on a stick thing that you just sweep trash into and it automatically swallows it up? "Just like in Disneyland," says he. I'm so glad we spent all that money to give him that lasting memory of his trip to The Magic Kingdom.



Toad is asleep, exhausted from his constant fight to ruin everyone's Blackberrys (the electronic ones). Last night we went to Anna's coach-pitch game and he was running wild all over the field so I left and took him to Western Family heaven (Reams) which, as you know, is always a social event. A quick trip for milk and yogurt turned into a visit with a former young women's advisor, an old neighbor and an Averett (which is not so random since there are like 400 of them).



Driving through the town we grew up last night made me feel like I never left it - 12 years ago. Seeing the little leaguers on their bikes, balancing a snow cone after their game made me feel like I was in Jr. High again, being annoying at the Pony diamonds. I love it here. I'm glad I grew up here and I'm glad you did too, even though we didn't know each other. Because I love being able to tell you about so-and-so and you know exactly who I'm talking about.



Oh, and my dad got pulled over when he and my mom were on their way to Joe Bandidos for dinner and my mom said the cop couldn't have been more than fifteen years-old. Good to know the streets are still safe. Even with all the Cougar fans around these parts...



XO and see you next week,



Jaimers

What to do...

when you're at Nana's and no one is watching?

Pretend you're on bobsleds and almost kill each other flying down her driveway before the parents catch you, get mad and then video it.

The boys and I are at my mom's for a few weeks and it's lovely to be home. No cooking, no cleaning, nothing but lounging around, eating my mom's fabulous meals, swimming, eating, lounging around, eating, shopping while the kids are babysat (holy crap I've forgotten how nice it is to leave a store NOT sweating after chasing Toad all through the aisles and being able to drink my own Diet Coke without backwash thank you very much).

I'm behind on posts (Father's Day, anniversary, CJ riding a horse around the neighborhood, a carnival that was so unbelievably unbelievable that I documented several of its patrons for your enjoyment. Spoiler alert: naked lady tattoos (on a lady), cottage cheese (the kind not in a container), and some sexy, sexy outfits. It was the shiz for sure). Stay tuned... I'm off to eat more frozen peanut butter M&Ms.